I might end up taking this post down, but tonight, I am feeling exceptionally frustrated. And I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable talking about this here than anywhere else. So...here goes.
For the last little while, I have faced a very frustrating problem. In comparison to many people's problems, it's very minor. But it doesn't make it any less annoying. For those unawares (mostly because I generally don't post these kinds of things) I am single, and have been for some time. I have casually dated one or two guys over the last few years, but fortunately, I was able to see through a painted-on face to see the nasty centre before it got too far. While I don't rely on the concept of a boyfriend to make me happy, I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone around, or to at least start dating again.
But it's difficult when everyone and their effing dog thinks you're a lesbian.
Now, let's get something clear here right off the bat: there is nothing wrong in any way, shape or form with being gay. None. I support all kinds of diversity, because I cannot fathom hating someone for being themselves. Not like that. It's stupid and horrible and we cannot call ourselves civilized until we eradicate the hate. Clear? Clear.
I do not find this assumption people have of me insulting. It is, however, factually incorrect. I do not identify as a lesbian. Trying to convince people of this, however, is proving harder and harder to do. There are people who I have known for a while who assume my sis is my partner. I guess people cannot fathom the fact that two sisters can live together in perfect harmony, so they have to assume otherwise. But my sis never gets asked if we're a couple. It's always me. And when I talk to people, I see it in their eyes. The judgement. It's not even a bad judgement or a hateful judgement. But it's there.
I don't know when it started. I don't know how it started. My first assumption is when I got my hair cut. A very superficial observation, but that's what so many people go by. I cannot say I dress in a way that would be typical of a stereotype of a lesbian. Then again, I also don't dress like the default girl setting around here: leggings as pants, Bench jacket with the collar popped to show the world how unique you are, long hair in a messy updo, salt-encrusted Uggs that look like soggy, week-old yeasty bread, or bi-toned high boots, and enough foundation to sink a ship with piles of mascara and gloss. A college girl even when they aren't in college. I haven't been to college since 2010. I think it's silly to dress like I am. But that's the way it is around here, in this city that is always a few years behind the times. And that's what all the boys are clinging to. And because I don't fit the mold, I am cast as something I am not.
Also, I go out with my sis a lot. And we are not the boisterous, loud kind of sisters. Sister dearest is very quiet and reserved, so when we're out, I am kind of dragged into that same kind of behavior. And again, instead of thinking that maybe we just aren't loud, people look at us and get it in their head that we must be having an intimate dinner or a movie date. Heaven Forbid it be anything else.
I don't act any differently than I ever did. I can't be anyone else but me, and I refuse to even try. But I guess that being informed (I pay attention to the news?? SHOCK AND AWE!!), friendly without necessarily being airheaded and flirty, not being stick-thin, not dressing like the other girls, and committing the ultimate sin of having short hair, I have been dropped into the wrong camp. Don't get me wrong...I'm sure it's a very lovely camp when you are surrounded by those you are in tune with. But I don't belong there. They dropped me off at the wrong stop.
And I have no idea what to do. If there's anything TO do. Which I fear there isn't.
So there it is. That's me...the lesbian who isn't. All you guys who look at me with disdain, with judgement and skepticism in their eyes...you all suck. Congrats for proving that some people are so superficial that they cannot possibly conceive that there is something beneath the exterior layer. You are the reason people get so uncomfortable in their own skin, when that skin is the most beautiful feature they own. Well done. Brilliant job. Continue being idiots, and continue to suck. I'll be over here if you ever figure out how stupid you're being.
Listening to: "Empire State of Mind"-Jay Z
Watching: Once Upon a Time
Playing: LOTR: The Third Age